Mike's Zombie Survival Guide!

I have written this Zombie survival guide with the qualifications of a 12+ month survivor with a picture of Chuck Norris from a facebook quiz.

In the event of a zombie apocalypse, and you are a survivor, it is assumed that you will be hospitalized for a prolonged period of time as depicted in most movies/television adaptations (28 Days Later, Resident Evil, The Walking Dead.)  If in this position you will wake up with slight pain (mainly due to being strapped up to some life saving contraption that you will ultimately tear off your body in disbelief).  You will also be disoriented either from the sudden awakening, from the accident you were previously involved in, or because it's been a shit long time and you've been asleep for weeks.

Most films and television adaptations show the protagonist proceeding on prolonged physical and mental exertion.  Food and water is a MUST regardless of your scenario!  Don’t follow the opinions portrayed on TV or in movies.  None of the protagonists seem to feed themselves within their first day of survival.  Keep in mind that you have been hospitalized for X amount of days without care depending on when the zombie outbreak occurred.  Actually the fact you weren’t eaten while you dreamt of that nurse in the hospital just goes to show how much compassion the world has given you already... So don’t fuck it up!!  A person must be mentally alert and physically able to survive the journey to your sanctuary or wherever you may find yourself.  Be sure to find a weapon on the way, a stick, shovel, gun or anything with a large extension and sharp edge or blunt end (axe, sword, sledge hammer, basically anything that can inflict sever blunt force trauma or sever the head).  After this find your holdout or sanctuary, make sure it is zombie free and try to make as little noise as possible when settling in.

I will now go through some simple ground rules in the event of a zombie apocalypse for different scenarios omit step 1 if you have woken up in a hospital as explained above..

Stock up on these if you can.

BASIC ZOMBIE OUTLINE - For all scenarios involving a Zombie or Infected outbreak.

1. If you find yourself in the event of a Zombie Outbreak happening outside your door.  First thing you should do is not panic, they’re slow, even if they're fast, just don't draw attention.  This won’t be a likely situation for an outbreak but if it does happen...  Lock your doors and windows, don’t panic, stay inside, and don’t make noise (maybe barricade the doors and windows just incase).  People will be panicking, running rampantly, getting bitten by zombies and leaving the city.. only to run into more zombies along the way.  Stay in your home and wait out the commotion until things calm down.  If survivors come to your door DO NOT LET THEM IN! unless of course they are good friends or loved ones, but be cautious.  You don’t want randoms eating your food and compromising your position, you may need to let them in and kick them out later to avoid drawing attention from zombies. 
2. After the commotion has calmed down and everyone either seems dead or... well... undead, you should now assess your situation.  Check your supplies, weapons, and evaluate the people around you.  At this point the people with you are probably going to stay with you, they were either people already in the home with you, or people you let in out of “kindness”... you pansy...  In any case, you can list the skills each of you bring to the table and decide who can do what in the group.  If you have hot headed or disrespectful women beater hick people in your group, you need to kick them out or kill them immediately!  They WILL compromise the group and they WILL get you killed!
3. You will most likely needs guns, ammo, food, and water after a while, so you will need to go outside.  Having a working vehicle is quite preferred because it offers you protection and transportation, just be sure not to drive into a large hoard of zombies, because than you’re pretty much screwed.  So don’t be stupid stupid!  Unless you have a Kmart near by, weapons and food won’t be in the same general area so you may want to do some research and find all of the nearest places (if you’re like me you’ve already done this and know where to go.)  If the power grid etc. hasn’t gone down yet you should be able to check the internet, make sure to do this early on, it will be vital later.
4. Head out on your journey, if you don’t feel your current sanctuary is safe, than bring only what you need with you, food, water, weapons..  Maybe family photos.. I guess.. maybe YOU don’t need them, but “she” will probably need them...  If you don’t have the location for weapons, you will need to search for weapons before you search for food, because stores usually have people and those people are now zombies.  (You SHOULD have something for protection right off the get go however as stated in the introduction.).  Once you have plentiful weapons and adequate protection. head to your food source, raid the shit out of that place, and don’t take more than you can carry because you don’t want to stay in one place for too long.
5. Take your things back to your sanctuary, but make sure the coast is clear.  You will most likely be living in an urban area so you will need to find some place more secluded like a cabin, or somewhere with a much lower population, because you will attract zombies going in and out of your current home (considering you are in a larger populated area or city.)  You may need to travel from place to place since resources will start to dwindle in your area, and the areas you move to.  It is not safe to stay in one place for too long or you may get overrun if not in a secluded area.  A warehouse or large store is NOT a good place to hold up with a large group.  A large complex is too hard to keep track of and there are plenty of places to miss and plenty of places for zombies and unwanted visitors to hide so once someone goes missing and they don’t answer, get the hell out of there.  They are obviously stupid and heard something and went off by themselves to get killed.  People would think that a large store complex is a good idea because of the abundance of resources, but unless you have a small group it is hard to keep track.  Smaller groups are easier to keep track of and less likely to attract attention.  If this is your situation be sure to check ALL entrances and exits, make sure you are adequately equipped with a gun or equally devastating weapon so that you can clear out the place if this is going to be your place. This option is based on opinion, because if you are only going to raid, than you need multiple trips eventually, which may give away your position.  If you are going to stay, clear out the threats and find a safe place inside the warehouse, because the warehouse itself can be dangerous due to its size.  Either way there is a risk.
6. Zombies will be attracted to you no matter what you do, so try to draw as little attention as possible, because you won’t be the only survivor(s) around.  There will be people who want shelter and protection and some people that just want to take all of your shit.  So be cautious, keep your party limited to only a few members.  There is not strength in numbers in this case, especially when your numbers may eventually want to eat you.  Don’t let new people in, and be careful not to attract the attention of raiders.
7. Check for zombie bites daily or after any sort of venture to the outside depending on the time it takes to turn.  This is important, as uncomfortable as it may seem, you will have to strip down to your nitty grittys and present to everyone your bare UNBITTEN body.  If one of the group is bitten than you will need to shoot them or decapitate them.  This will be hard for many people, especially the bitten, but it is for the safety of the group, and being bitten without telling anyone is compromising everyone, so don’t be an ass!  THIS PERTAINS TO THE READER TOO! NO EXCEPTIONS!  The reason you will do this check daily is because people are stupid, people do things without telling others and than get bit and fuck everything up...  You don’t want that!  You want to do it while the sun is up so that you don’t miss anything
8. Try to establish your group to have equal amount of men to women, this is dangerous as well because jealousy can become a big part when developing relationships.  On the other hand there would be no pro-creation, no “doing the nasty” etc.  All men groups can turn gay... and in some cases hostile.  Same as with all female groups.. CATFIGHTS!  Just.. try and do the best you can with this step...  Try and keep yourselves civilized!
9. NEVER go anywhere alone!  Always have a group with you, dark corners, small corridors, sewers, all of those things are bad news.  Any place where you are confined in a tight space is equally as bad, especially if there are more people with you.  Only take these routes if you absolutely have to, and in the event that you have to, make sure you have a flashlight to check it out before you go in to deep.  Also, bad sounds are usually bad... don't be an idiot and investigate them...
10. SURVIVE!  After reading through and performing these guidelines, all you need to do is survive.  This guide is meant for basic short term survival, to get you through the nitty gritty of the beginning.  After a year or 2, Zombie’s will be much easier to evade and kill due to decomposition.  You can than set on a search for more colonized locations or colonize an area yourself that you have cleared zombies out of, thus begins the rebuilding of the human race! HURRAY!!

Breakdown!

1. Wait out the initial breakout, barricade and secure your area (unless hospitalized).
2. Check your resources and allies, eliminate problems within your group.
3. Eventually supplies will get low, find a source of transportation and be ready to search for weapons and supplies.  The sooner you know where to look the easier it will be.
4. Get weapons than food, don’t take more than you can carry, in and out, fast!
5. Head back, or search for a more secluded location, you may need to move after resources get low in your area, be careful not to attract too much attention.
6. Always lie low, be cautious.  Don’t take in new survivors, and try not to draw attention of raiders.  It’s a Zombie eat Person world out there.
7. Check for Zombie bites every day! NO EXCEPTIONS! Strip down and check thoroughly!
8. Try and have =# of Men/Women, for... various reasons.
9. NEVER go anywhere alone!  Dark places where you can't see are bad, at least bring a flashlight, bad sounds are usually bad.. don't investigate...
10. SURVIVE!

How to kill a zombie

I will now go through the different types of zombies you may encounter and how to kill them.  This is drawn from extensive TV and Movie Zombie research!  Other scenarios such as Left 4 Dead are not included in this analysis.

Pretty self explanatory.

1. Slow Zombie (Resident Evil 1/2, Classic zombie flicks) - Blunt force to the head, bullet to the brain, or decapitation.  This zombie is slow, so it should be easy to kill, if you get bit... well... you deserve it for being such a moron!
2. Fast Zombie (Dawn Of The Dead, 28 Days Later) - Blunt Force to the head, bullet to the brain or decapitation.  This zombie can run, and will run straight for you.  This means it will not try to evade, so still fairly easy to kill.  The key here is to not panic!  Take a deep breath, aim, and fire.  If your aim sucks... and have no other weapon.. you can either knock the zombie to the ground or break their neck.  This is not recommended however..  Best way to deal with this zombie is to use a long blunt weapon, or a sharp edged weapon.
3. Slow Zombie Group - If you encounter a large group of slow zombies, the best thing to do is run in the other direction..  Unless you have a grenade, than blow them the hell up, because even though the grenade might not be able to kill all of them, it’s still fun, they’re slow.  You do also have the option to sneak past if they haven’t spotted you.  If they are a small group, you could probably kill them all, although fun, it is not recommended.
4. Fast Zombie Group - You’re so fucked... ESPECIALLY if you don’t have a grenade!  If it’s a smaller group you may be lucky, but a large group.. you’re totally screwed, you better hope your a fast runner and good at hiding.  If your unseen by the group, best thing to do is to be quiet, and find a different route to your destination. Being stealthy should be first priority regardless of Zombie situation.

*NOTE* If you encounter the 28 Days Later "zombie", than anything that would normally kill a person should still kill them.  These are technically not zombies, these are humans infected with a "rage" virus.  They are just very very angry...  They'll still bite you and are the most dangerous and highly infectious breed of zombie.

The zombie infection spreads mainly from bites from a zombie, but you can be infected by their saliva or blood, if any of it gets in your eye or mouth, your pretty much screwed.  So... try and avoid that, wearing masks are probably a good step to take when fighting these things.  Also be sure to cover any cuts or scrapes that you might have gotten from running away.  Most people usually do for some reason... Everyone must be clumsy.  Bandage yourself and throw away any clothes that you got zombie blood on, just incase.

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by
Michael MacDonald